JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

There is no direct way to tell someone you are dating that you hate the way he dresses (and thus, by implication) the way he looks. Most men want to appear attractive and well groomed, but we all know at least one man who is seemingly oblivious to his appearance. From what you've told us, Antonio falls right into that category!

You could take the point of view that telling him straight out that he needs refurbishing in a major way is a major kindness to him. After all, superficial as it may actually be, we are all judged, at least initially, by the appearance we make. You say that you care for him and want him to be accepted by your family and friends. If you take this tack, perhaps the best way to tell Antonio to "shape up" would be the way our mother always did, straight out You could just say: "Antonio, I love you but I hate your clothes," and then proceed to tell him why. You could also be a little less direct and say: "Antonio, it's a shame that you are always wearing super-baggy clothes because you are so great looking and would be SO incredible in a jacket and fitted pants. I know you feel comfortable as you are, but would you consider wearing something different just for me when we go out, sometimes?"

I think that you need go shopping with Antonio, even if you he hates the idea and will only do if for you, and show him the kinds of clothing you'd like to see him in. He may protest at first, but either he will actually see how great he can look, or he will feel happy that you are happy, and you will have still won him over.

If the shopping trip doesn't work, why not buy him some clothes you think he'd look great in (not a gift certificate - you don't want him to buy more of the same stuff you hate, do you?) Since you say that he doesn't have many clothes and nothing new, get him clothing as gifts for his birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, or any other occasion that you can think of? It's an old trick men learned a long time ago when they wanted the woman they were dating to stop wearing perfume they didn't like. Present it as a gift of love and what can Antonio do except wear what you've given him to make YOU happy? If you can't wait for an "occasion" just make one up!

The problem with all of these tactics is that unless Antonio is really dense, he's going to know YOU HATE HIS CLOTHES! Just possibly he really thinks he DOES look good - so finding out that his girlfriend doesn't think so is going to hurt his feelings. You have to ask yourself if sprucing him up is worth risking his ego and possibly the relationship. Also, may I remind you that despite how he looks you managed to see past that and have a loving relationship with him anyway. Are you really trying to help Antonio be all that he can be or are you just afraid that he will make you look bad with family and friends? If you were able to see beyond his clothes, why wouldn't others do so, too?

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ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

There's a clear line between being having no fashion sense, and being disrespectful to the person you are with. While you say you hate the way your boyfriend looks (I'm assuming that he's poorly groomed, not physically unclean)I'm wondering: why would you want to date someone who cares so little about himself? Why did you wait so long to speak up?

Someone who really doesn't care how he looks to others (his girlfriend, included)is just being disrespectful, in my opinion. I guess you could take the view that if Antonio really knew how bad he looked he might do something about it on his own, but if you plan a long-term relationship with this man, it's your right and responsibility to tell him how uncomfortable his "homeless act" makes you feel. Perhaps he thinks you really like the scruffy look. Perhaps he knows he looks terrible but just doesn't care or feels you have to take him just as he is. Unless Antonio is totally out in the ozone, he probably knows that he looks and dresses "differently" than other men his age. Did it ever occur to you that his reluctance to take any care with his appearance might signify a more significant psychological problem?

Advice Sister Jessica mentions our own mother and I will too. Mom also said that you shouldn't date a man expecting to change him. That cautionary advice being dispensed, I do think that almost everyone is open to a little "improvement," (especially when the suggestions are coming from a someone you love and trust). In time, you can probably spruce Antonio up a bit, but don't expect a man who dresses like Pigpen to warm up to Armani suits any time in this century unless he gets a personality transplant and decides for himself that this is going to be his new look.

I offer "hearts" to Jessica for her suggestion about giving gifts of clothing. Perhaps it is an obvious ploy to get him to wear what you want him to wear...but so what? Clothes are not only a very personal gift, but most men are willing to wear things that obviously turn their girlfriends on (especially if they don't have to do the shopping). If Antonio really doesn't know how bad he looks, your gifts will not only be appreciated, but they might actually change his life for the better! If Antonio does know that his fashion sense could use some polishing, he'll be willing to make you happy by wearing your gifts. If he refuses to do so, it shows that he really doesn't care about what you think, and you might want to re-assess the future of your relationship with this man.

Finally, please keep in mind that how the rest of the world views Antonio is less important than how you see him. Be less concerned about what your friends thing your boyfriend should be like, and tune in to what YOU need. In the end, Antonio is who he is (including his offbeat image). If this bothers you enough, perhaps you aren't a good match at all.

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