JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

You say that you have been together for two months and that you "spend nearly every night together," but what does that mean? Have the two of you ever discussed whether or not you want the relationship to be...well, the "two" of you only? Two months, in the great scheme of things, is not a very long time. We don't know how much time the two of you spend together when you aren't bartending or how well you communicate, but my first advice would be to get clear with Pam what the expectations are that you have for the relationship and discuss with her whether or not they match hers.

The second issue has to do with John and the gifts and the tips. Tips for services rendered are not inappropriate, but the stuffed animals and gifts are another issue. These are not "tips" for service, but gifts that express emotion (I know that every time I've been given a stuffed animal by a man it was his way of expressing a personal sentiment of some kind). That Pam accepts them goes beyond just "not being rude" to John, it encourages him to continue to pursue her. It might be that Pam's reason for accepting these gifts if just to keep John happy and ensuring that those big tips keep tumbling in. It's important for you to sit down with Pam and let her know your concerns. Together you can figure out a way to keep John happy, without ruining your beauty sleep! If Pam doesn't see things the way you do, perhaps you'd be better off finding a new girlfriend in another line of work where there is less interaction with the public and taking tips is not an issue!

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

I don't see this situation quite the same way as Advice Sister Jessica does, although I agree that it's a bartenders job to pour drinks and pay attention to customers like John-the-lonely! Bartenders have traditionally assumed the role of advisors and friendly listeners. They are supposed to be receptive, lend a sympathetic ear when necessary, and encourage patrons to feel at home. Remember the television show "Cheers?" The regulars were not looking for romance as much as they were hoping to get attention and support and the chance to be part of a bigger community. If someone is spending a lot of time and money in the bar just to hang out with Pam, she's doing her job well....and you're the one who is being inappropriate to suggest otherwise! From what you say, John spends so much time in your bar that he couldn't have a girlfriend of his own, or perhaps, much of a social life outside of the bar. He has found an easily, uncomplicated connection with your girlfriend-the-bartender. He wants it, and he pays for it! Imagine how you would feel if you didn't get tips from satisfied customers, or Pam objected to your taking tips or giving attention to female customers?

If you both work behind the bar you must understand that it's the type of environment where your girlfriend is acting friendly to men in a professional capacity. Getting envious every time a man comes into the bar and flirts with Pam will make you angry and upset, but it won't change the situation one bit. Although you haven't been dating very long, is there any indication (other than she accepted gratuities) that Pam actually wants John to bring her gifts or have an intimate relationship with him? As much as I'd like to be sympathetic to you, it seems to me that you're being overly-possessive and controlling and that nothing much is going on. You're lucky to have her attention because she wants to give it to you.... when she's not behind that bar! Consider John as just a lonely bar hound and a big tipper and Pam as a good bartender doing a good job. Leaving big tips and bringing gifts to a service provider is a way to show thanks and appreciation for friendship and support. Until and unless John or Pam make it clear to each other and to you that there is a chance for something more than "bar talk" it's none of your business!

I agree with Advice Sister Jessica on one thing: you've got to talk to Pam....then get over this or find yourself a girlfriend whose line of work doesn't bother you.