JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

I HAVE GOT TO DISAGREE HERE! With all that is out there, Furious?s husband will not be the first (or the last) to engage in a little titillation free of charge by looking at porn or engaging in mindless sex talk with willing young women who have idle time on their hands. As far as we know, Furious, your husband has not attempted to actually meet or have a relationship with any of these girls. You may not like the ?cybersex? or ?cyberconversations? he is having, but in my book, it?s harmless. In fact, it?s worse, in my book, to be the suspicious or jealous woman who solves the problem with disrespect.

Getting rid of the computer and canceling his account will only make him angry, and I doubt it will do anything positive for your marriage. The computer is probably the symptom and not the disease here: think about it. What has happened in your marriage recently that might have caused your husband to seek companionship on the other end of a blinking screen instead of with you or other real people. Could it be that he is demoralized and embarrassed about not having a job and these girls bolster up his self-esteem in some way?

If you are worried that he?s got too much time on his hands and he is able to work, insist he GET work?if only part time. If he is disabled or otherwise unable to work, find specific major projects for him to do around the house and do your best to engage him in outside projects the two of you can participate in together. It seems more likely that with you working forty hours a week this man just has too much time without you on his hands!

As far as the chatting with the young girls: this is a form of ?male flirting? that mostly probably is basically harmless, as much as it may annoy you. A man who does such a thing is probably not the least bit interested in ending his marriage but is just seeking affirmation that he can still be witty and attractive to young females. They are non-threatening and not even ?real? and it makes him feel good. Your husband would have to be daft to think that actually meeting one of these girls would either be appropriate or possible. He?s got to know that in person they?d take one look and call him ?grandpa!? If your man was into PLAYBOY or one of those other male magazines, would you be as upset? I frankly don?t see much difference, as long as he is not trying to encourage them to engage in illicit activities or meet them offline, which doesn?t appear to be happening from what you have said to us.

My view? Take a long hard look at your marriage and see if you can?t figure out why it?s not all you think it should be. Get some counseling even if your husband won?t participate, and don?t snoop or lay down the ?law? unless you want to risk losing him for good. I might kick my ten year marriage to the curb because my husband didn?t work?but not because he was engaging in a little cyber-fantasy.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

What would I do? Don?t have nightmares; take control of this situation. If your man is acting like a jerk, the first think I?d tell him is to get a job, or get out. Stop buying him things like he is a little boy. Consider that if he was busy working he wouldn?t have time to be online, especially when you?re not sitting there with him. Furthermore, I?ll tell him that if he wants to chat with kids he can chat with his own, or with his nieces and nephews, or he can chat with you. Frankly, the online conversations probably allow him to take his mind off the fact that he?s not working. Online, he can be a movie tycoon, or a venture capitalist, or a globe-trotting playboy ? and the young girls respond, accordingly! This is powerful fantasy that is hard to give up, especially when things aren?t going well in a marriage.

You might consider pulling the plug on the computer situation completely by canceling all his online accounts (you can find out where he?s been surfing by going to the cache, or history) and getting rid of the computer at home. Or get a laptop, and take it with you when you go to work.

A more mature approach would be to consider what?s happening in your marriage and your lives. Have you been away from home a lot lately, working extra hours to meet the bills or involved in outside activities that don?t include your husband? Has your attitude or behavior changed towards him since he isn?t working? If you have been married for 10 years and things have changed between you just recently, it?s a sure sign that your relationship needs a tune-up. Has the marriage grown stale, tired, and cold? Talk about it. Tell your husband how you?re feeling about his cyber-infatuation. Then, it?s up to the two of you to put the passion and interest back into it. If you need marriage counseling, go get it before your husband becomes even more attached to the computer screen instead of becoming more attached to YOU! Don?t let a machine come between you and someone you love!