JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Whether people choose to actually follow this principle, the common wisdom is that couple who are going "steady," living together, or who have otherwise made some kind of pledge to each other, do NOT date anyone else. The rule does not, however, apply to couples casually dating as you and Jeff apparently still are. The purpose of "dating" is to meet someone special you want to spend your time with exclusively in most cases, and just how do you think you are going to be able to do that unless you have the experience of meeting many people so you can make a determination which one has the qualities that are right for you?

You say you have been dating Jeff for six months. It should be obvious to you that if you had found all that you desire in Jeff, you would probably not be so interested in "checking out the possibilities" with Hal. You also say you feel bad about "cheating" on Jeff, but you should have no reason to if you have not told Jeff you feel more strongly about the relationship, or have not led him to believe that what is going on between you is no more than casual dating (which leaves you free to see others, as well). Dating is NOT cheating!

I think your real question is how you cool down a relationship which has been going strong and not lose it entirely. Honesty is really the key. If you want to date Hal but want to keep seeing Jeff, you have to make to clear to Jeff that this is what you want to do. Unless Jeff is dating others already, it would be wrong to allow him to think you are being exclusive with him- and then sneak around behind his back to date Hal. That is playing with another person's emotions and his trust--and in my view, that would be a reason for guilt.

It sounds as though you've made your decision - that you do want to date others. Since you and Hal have not even had a single date yet, it would be unreasonable for either of you to think that the other has not been dating other people, or even that you both will stop dating others, until there is a relationship between the two of you. However, before you agree to a date with Hal you might want to know if Hal know that you have been dating Jeff fairly regularly for the past six months, and if Hal is dating anyone else and what the nature of that relationship is.

Whether or not you choose to tell Hal of your involvement with others is not really relevant until and unless you find yourself ‘getting serious' with him...and then these questions might well apply. As much as we would sometimes like it, there is no sure-fire way to "keep" one man while you search for another.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

I give "hearts" to Jessica for saying that in most cases, you can't have your cake and eat it too. There is no sure-fire way to "keep" one man while you search for another. Jeff may decide that no matter how much he cares for you, he'd rather have a one-man woman and ditch you to date someone else who will want to be with him, exclusively. As long as you haven't made more of a commitment to Jeff than "just dating" and you let him know that you are willing to accept the risk of both of you being free to play the field, there's no reason why you shouldn't explore the possibilities with other people that you meet. Meeting and dating isn't cheating if you're in a non-committed relationship and it's part of the process of finding someone special. Jessica clearly outlined some options for you should you decide to date Hal. However, I'm more concerned about why you want to seek new possibilities if you've been regularly dating Jeff for some time. Perhaps Jeff really isn't "the one" for you but your dissatisfaction might also indicate that, possibly, you don't know what you really want. Have you done the kind of thorough, honest, self-assessment (about your own needs and expectations) to clue you in as to what might be lacking in your current relationship with Jeff. Whether you decide to risk losing Jeff to date Hal, or anyone else, you owe it to yourself to investigate what kind of person and what type of relationship you really want to have. You might also want to check out our book, RECRUITING LOVE:USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT (Cyclone Book, 1998), which offers a step-by-step plan to do this easily and effectively. No matter what plan or method of self-assessment you use, if you don't do it at all you may find yourself moving from Jeff to Hal, and Hal to Nick, and Nick to Thom, and well.... the point is that you might drift from relationship to relationship wondering: "Is this the best person I can find or is my true love still out there?"

How you choose to tell Jeff that you want to date other people will have as significant an impact on him as that you want to date others. If he has been sensing that you are dissatisfied (which he probably has), he may be relieved to know that you still want to be with him. If you really care for Jeff and think that the relationship with him still has possibilities for growth, let him know that your desire to date others is more about "being sure" of your relationship with him than finding someone new to replace him. However, if it's a total surprise to Jeff that you want to date other people and he is upset, don't demean him by letting him know that he's already got a "replacement" in Hal. Tell him that there is no one special that you have in mind, but that you just want to date more than one person at this time. If your relationship with Jeff really has no place to advance, don't lecture him on his shortcoming or compare him to other people. Instead, tell him the problem lies within you--that you don't feel that it's fair to continue to tie someone down before you know that he is really the one person for you.

The Advice Sister's Bottom Line:

Dating is a sticky thing and sometimes, feelings do get hurt when there is the perception of rejection--especially when someone else is involved. As hard as it may be to risk a "sure thing" for the possibility of "something better," the fact that you clearly feel the need to date others should tell you that the relationship you have isn't all you want it to be. Without risk, Kira, there is no gain...but if you are going to play the field, you can't play both sides of it.