JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Who is being selfish and immature here? From what you say, Karen, it's Lisa and Bob who were willing to do all of the traveling those many years when your Mom was alive. After your Mom's death, even though she didn't have to travel that one year and you did, Lisa was the one who took the initiative and hosted the dinner for all of you (and from what you tell me, your Dad wasn't particularly grateful to her about that, either). While it's true that the trip is a long one, perhaps Lisa is upset because she thinks you are all too selfish to make that same trip down to her once in a while. Although you did mention that you and Larry would be willing to go if your Dad would join you, that he is not, means that by pandering to him, you again force all the burden of keeping the family together on holidays on Lisa. The "half-way" solution sounded like the most reasonable, fair one to me. If your Dad won't make the trip however, then I think you should all LEAVE HIM AT HOME. Maybe then you could trade off on every other year, but the third year meet in the middle someplace. That seems much fairer to me than to ask Lisa and Bob to shoulder all the burden of travel each and every year. Keep in mind that YOU have a "new family" conveniently close to where you live, and are ready to make a new family traditions with them, but Lisa isn't part of that, and clearly she feels that you are taking away HER holiday tradition. You may not be able to see it this way - you only see that she is putting pressure on you - but Lisa feels that your refusal to meet her needs means that she and Bob are no longer reason enough to hold onto your childhood holidays.

As to Marcie and her family dinner. Well, all I can say is that I would not want to be asked, even in the name of family harmony, to travel six or more hours coming and going to have dinner with a bunch of people I didn't like, didn't know, and who I felt ignored me when I was there, even if it meant that I could help my sister out and be with all of my immediate family, as well. Can you honestly say you'd be willing to sacrifice your own Thanksgiving, year after year, for the ease and convenience of Lisa's sister-in-law and family (if that was at issue)? Suppose the shoe was on the other foot and you were asked to always be the one to travel and be with relatives you don't like? You'd be upset too! If Marcie was more gracious, Lisa was more flexible, your Dad was less selfish, all of you were willing to shoulder the occasional burden of travel, and you were willing to ensure that Lisa and Bob felt sincerely, instead of grudgingly, welcomed by Marcie and her family, none of this would be at issue in the first place!

It's clear that your idea of "family" is different than Lisa's. With your mother's death, however, you have lost your family tradition as well as Lisa. I guess it would be nice if all blended families, no matter how distant and different, loved each other - but that obviously isn't going to happen here. If Lisa won't make the trip to be with you at Marcie's, you still might accept Lisa and Bob's invitation once in a while, even if it means leaving your Dad alone by himself on Thanksgiving. At least, consider meeting at the half-way point where everyone travels--but less. Furthermore it is up to you to tell your Dad that Lisa and Bob deserve to be the hosts and not the travelers, now and then.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

Some families like coming together as a group so much that they blend easily, but most couples aren't that easy-going about blending families: it's no accident major tension in most relationships has to do with where and with whom to spend holidays. If all of the family members are close by, it is sometimes possible to visit everyone on a single day, but when they're spread out across the country, it's impossible to meet everyone's expectations.

In my opinion, respect, consideration, and compromise are the keys to your problem.. Let's start with your sister Molly's perceptions of the situation:

It's really convenient that you and your Dad and in-laws live nearby, but that means Lisa and Bob are the ones who always have to endure the stressful, expensive, and exhausting holiday travel. It really isn't fair to expect her to visit you every year if you are also able to visit her. It would be best if you could get your Dad to agree to travel every other year to Lisa's house. However, if he really can't manage the trip and your sister wants to keep the family together, she'll have to decide if being with him and the rest of the family is worth the long trip once a year. After all, visiting Lisa without your Dad splits up the family and both you and Lisa are forced to abandon your Dad on the holiday.

Your sister is not obligated to like your in-laws, but her insistence on excluding them from your plans is not reasonable. Lisa doesn't have the same relationship or pressure from HER in-laws as you do, and she just because she wants to keep the family the way it was when you two were little girls doesn't mean that it's manageable. You mentioned that she picked up the ball and hosted the first Thanksgiving after your mother's death, but things change. Once you married the family dynamics changed for you, and as a result, for your sister, too. It's self-centered for Lisa to pressure you into choosing between sides of the family. Clearly, she has got to make some adjustments in her thinking. Although you've said that they don't really like each other, since Lisa sees Marcie infrequently, I don't see that it's such a burden for Lisa to make your life easier and tough it out one day a year by including Marcie and/or occasionally celebrating the holiday with both sides of the family at Marci's house.

It's not going to be a Normal Rockwell ideal family Thanksgiving, but if you can compromise, you can meet everyone's needs and expectations at least some of the time. If you could get your father to travel, the BEST compromise would be for you and your sister to host Thanksgiving for EVERYONE on alternate years. The chances are very slim that Marcie would ever make that long trip to your sister's house, but at least she will have the satisfaction of knowing that she was invited and included. This would allow Lisa to have her "exclusive family Thanksgiving." If your father is unable to travel and your sister wants a family celebration however, it is she who will have to make the sacrifice and continue to travel.

When you host Thanksgiving, you are within your rights to invite anyone you want. Your sister has no business dictating whom you can and can't invite to your own holiday gathering! Surely she could be gracious to your in-laws (and they, to her) for just one dinner a year? If they can't "grin and get along," they will find themselves alone on the holidays! It's your job to convince all sides that it is far better to get along for a few hours than to split the entire family apart. By specifically including your sister in the proposed plans, your sister-in-law Marcie has shown her willingness to make the first step. Hopefully, your sister will follow suit.