JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

There is so much to comment on here! Young children may not understand why you need anyone else "besides them" and want to date. They can be insecure and possessive about your affection. I think that is what you and Francine are experiencing here. Of course you want to be a perfect parent, but perhaps it was a mistake to try to "blend" your families so quickly. All the kids are close in age, so you and Francine might naturally have figured that the family dinners and group outings ought to be natural and fun for everyone.... but this kind of interaction forces the kids into new relationships they may not be ready to make–especially with new children who they view as rivals for your love and attention. Their behavior towards you and Francine shows that they are upset and confused about the newfound closeness they percieve between the two of you. Maybe they are wondering if you are planning to marry, and if they will be forced to live in a strange house with other kids who will automatically become step brothers and sisters!

The good news is that it is not too late to do some damage control and save your relationship with Francine. If you are clear that you'd like to pursue a long-term relationship you need to clear the air all around. Communication is the key to solving this problem. Spend more quality time with your children, alone. And each of you needs to sit down with your own children and let them know that it is ok, and healthy, to express their feelings. Reassure them of your love (and that of their other parent). Then, make it clear that it important and natural for you to have a social life with other adults. After all, don't they have friends who make them happy? Stress that when you are happy you are a better parent. Affirm that while you will be sensitive to their feelings, you intend to continue seeing Francine or whoever else you choose. Your kids love you. If you are open about your feelings and let them be open about theirs, eventually they will come to accept your relationship with Francine and will stop being hostile about it.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

There is a lack of sensitivity and communication here that needs to be addressed. But it is a parent's responsibility to set ground rules for their child's behavior. Advice Sister Jessica and I both think it's a good idea to have a "talk" with your kids..but when you DO, make sure you establish some house rules about what behavior is expected when adults are present, including Francine. If your kids disobey the rules, make it clear what the consequences will be, and follow through!

Immediately limit the at-home socializing and see Francine without the kids until you are certain that you will move the relationship to a serious level. Then, introduce group activities slowly...perhaps with just one set of children at a time, and in a non-threatening setting such as a movie or a museum.

If you are going to continue the relationship with Francine and she is receptive, how about giving her a beeper as a gift? She will be able to get her calls without any intervention from her kids, and you will both be in control of the message situation and know that they have been received.

Children of single parents, especially those who are products of a divorce, often "act out" as a cry for attention and help. In addition, the parents often feel guilty and compensate by giving their kids too much leeway or exposing them to adult interaction or information that they aren't mature enough to understand, or manage. No one should be allowed dictate to you or intimidate you (let alone young children) unless YOU allow it! Whether you and Francine move the relationship forward or not, both of you need to step up to the plate with your kids right now, or the "social sabotage" will continue!