JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Relationships are not just one sided. Once you have a better idea of what you are looking for in a relationship, and in a mate, you also need to be aware of what YOU bring to a relationship...your assets and liabilities. Knowing your positive traits gives you confidence, but no one is "perfect," so being aware of things about yourself that could stand some improvement will help you be a more acceptable partner to someone else as well.

Even after a careful search for love, how can you know if you have found the right one or will end up with lasting love? There are no guarantees, but here are some ways to help you make a decision. I've listed them not in any particular order but each is important to the "big picture" that makes for a long-lasting, happy and compatible love relationship:

___ You have discussed the possibilities of a future together and agree on basic issues (including marriage and children)

___ There is real chemistry (physical, emotional and intellectual attraction) between you.

___ You are not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone else because your instincts tell you that this person is "the one" for you.

___ This person meets all or most of the elements you set forth for the ideal partner.

___ The decision to be with this person wasn't made in haste, anger, the desire to finish with dating, because you're on the rebound from another relationship, or to please someone else (such as a parent who is eager for you to "settle down").

___ You have realistic relationship goals and aren't settling for less (or at least not much less) than you wanted

____ You talk, laugh, and recreate together easily

____ Your relationship is supportive and positive

____ You admire each other and respect each others' differences

____ You communicate openly together and resolve conflicts between you well

THE ADVICE SISTERS believe that there is, the words of our wise, old grandmother, "a lid for every pot." This means we believe that there IS someone out there for absolutely everyone, but the reason that so many relationships fail is because too often couples "settle" for each other instead of waiting to find the RIGHT relationship with the most compatible person for them.

THE ADVICE SISTERS SUM IT UP TOGETHER: In our book, RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT (Cyclone Books, l998), we help adults who are looking for relationships map out a sensible plan to understand BEFORE they start dating what it is they are looking for and what they have to offer. While there simply is no foolproof formula for lasting love, THE ADVICE SISTERS know that if you know yourself, know what you want and are honest about what you have to offer someone else if you know what is negotiable in a relationship with someone else and what is not you will make better choices and your chances for lasting happiness and love will be vastly increased.

We hope you will take a look at our book, but even if you do not, we want to end with some very important ways that you can keep any good relationship even stronger (not in particular order..they are all very important)!

* Communicate! If you can't talk to your partner, how can you solve problems or work together towards a shared goal?

* When things don't go well, resist the urge to be angry or cruel. Once angry, mean or bitter words are out of your mouth or put on paper, they can not ever be forgotten or erased.

* Try not to go to bed angry- you will only wake up angry the next morning and nothing will get resolved.

* Show your love for each other in small ways, every day. Be affectionate and helpful. Remember: you can never say: "I love you and I am happy to have you in my life" enough!

* Pick your fights wisely. Save your anger for "big issues"-let the little things go. No one is the "winner" if your relationship suffers because of it!

* Be "tuned in" to how your partner is feeling and thinking. This will tell you if something is wrong before it becomes a crisis. If you think something wrong, ask.

* Make time to be together alone doing things you like to do as a couple. Doing chores together or spending time with family and friends is fine...but lasting love relationships need time where the couple is together. However difficult, make the time.

* No matter how you are "pushed"don't have children to try to keep a sagging relationship together...it never works and you may just ruin an innocent child's life.

* When things get tough between you and your partner, think back to what it was about him or her that attracted you in the first place and try to put everything that is going wrong in proper perspective.

Everyone wants and deserves great relationships...but don't take them for granted! Recognize those you care about every day and keep your relationships strong!

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

We wish there was an easy answer to your question, but unfortunately, there isn't. THE ADVICE SISTERS know that love relationships that last are a combination of attraction that is both mental and physical. Often the most seemingly mismatched couples are the ones who succeed in finding and keeping lasting love, while those who appear to be "perfect together," fail.

That being said, there are some universal traits that are considered good qualities to look for in a mate. THE ADVICE SISTERS will suggest a few that may help you identify the kind of mate with whom you can have a love that lasts. We'll each also give you some basic ideas to help you make better relationships and hopefully find a love that lasts.

You write that schools do not teach you how to find lasting love. That's not entirely so. Hopefully in school you were taught how to make good choices in life, which is the first and most important skill you need to find and keep lasting love.

Most of us already have the skills we need to make good relationships, but we put less thought and care into choosing a mate than choosing a job. One of the biggest mistakes adult singles make is that they do something THE ADVICE SISTERS call "bulk dating." That is, they date (and often make relationships) with whomever comes along into their lives instead of first taking the time to really narrow down their requirements. How can you look for Mr. or Ms. RIGHT when you don't really know who that person is?

In our book called: RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT (Cyclone Books, 1998) GET RECRUITING LOVE - CLICK HERE!!!! we tell our readers that a search for a job and the search for love follow very similar processes. In fact, we refer to singles not as "lonelyhearts" but as dynamic "love recruiters" who will "interview and select the right candidate for the "job" of loving them for a lifetime! We believe that if adult singles spent as much time planning their love search as they did their job search, they'd find the love they want! Our book shows readers how to find their special someone by using some of the very same business principles and skills that they have already used for their own job searches, and in the world of work.

How do you go about making good choices in love? First and foremost, you must know exactly what kind of relationship you want (romantic marriage, living together, loving friendship, marriage of convenience, etc). It's also vitally important toknow why you want a relationship at all! (for true love, financial support, mother/father for children, status, alleviate loneliness, pressure to conform, just to name a few) and what kind of person specifically suits those requirements . We counsel singles that if they don't' know what they want, it is difficult to impossible to recognize Mr. or Ms. "Right" when they appear...or even where to look for the person of their dreams. This kind of mental pre-planning for find lasting love may not seem like a very romantic process, but while it may seem more romantic for fate to bring you the person you really want, the reality is that we haven't found many couples whose relationships were "fairy tale romances." The best relationships take a lot of work and planning; they don't "just happen."

As a "love recruiter," you must decide what requirements and qualities the ideal candidate must have to make a success, long-lasting relationships with you. We call these requirements your "must-haves" and "non-negotiables." Must-haves are qualities or characteristics that a person MUST HAVE to be acceptable to you. A few basic qualities might typically include: educated, physically attractive, good job. You must also know your top non-negotiables. These are traits or qualities that, if a person has them, would make them unacceptable to you. These might include: abusive or poor personality, already married to someone else, unable to hold a job...just to name a few. RECRUITING LOVE has two entire chapters devoted to easy, thought-provoking exercises to help you figure out your sincere feelings and needs before proceeding with a love search. You can do this on your own, providing you work hard to focus on the real issues and feelings, and are honest with yourself.