JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

I agree that caution is always a good thing to consider when you are meeting someone new anywhere but I disagree that the Internet more risky and less safe than traditional bars and clubs, or ANY place single people who don't know each other congregate. The Internet is, in my view, a great place to meet like-minded others. It gives you access to people throughout the world you might never otherwise have any chance to meet or know. Personally, I think meeting new friends this way is fun! Despite the drawbacks (you can't immediately see who you are talking to and you don't have a chance to get to "know" them face to face as easily as you would in other situations) if you read carefully you can get insight into someone's intellect and preferences through their writing just the way people used to do it through writing letters in the old days. You say you want to keep Vic as a friend but want the pressure "for more" to stop. I don't know exactly what you mean by "erotic" and "love messages" but obviously they indicate a level of feeling from Vic that you do not feel in return. Perhaps you didn't do anything to lead Vic on. Perhaps you are right that he has found a kindred spirit in you because you are both alone and raising small children; you have poured your hearts out and you have shared your problems. People do fall in love over the Net this way. Despite horrible stories, and Alison's caution about life and safety, the statistics seem to show that many of these relationships are happy ones. In some cases such as your own, one person falls in love, but the feeling isn't mutual. If you are certain that friendship is the limit, then I have to refer you back to the rules of any relationship where one party clearly wants something more than the other: be kind, but be firm. I believe you have to back away, but with consideration and tact. I think that it's also right to clearly tell him that you feel uncomfortable about where the relationship seems to be headed yet reassure him that you want to stay close friends (you do, don't you?).

THE ADVICE SISTERS think that one of the major drawbacks of meeting through the Internet or personal ads where you can't meet face-to-face is that you can't know for certain (until you DO meet in- person) who they really might be. Despite the fact that you have only met through the computer and the telephone, your on-line love is NOT a machine. He is a real person who will have real feelings of rejection if you throw him over.

The Advice Sisters don't always agree, and we often disagree about the potential dangers of looking for love on the Internet. However, we DO agree that people who face rejection may sometimes react in anger and communication in cyberspace is no exception. In a situation like this one, it is best to get off the Net and make a phone call to Vic to let him know how you feel and talk it out "person-to-person." I know Advice Sister Alison will agree that as in any other type of relationship, the other person deserves to get clear what is going on, but she does not think you need to get too up close and personal to do it. Whatever you do, be clear in your message and firm in your decision to scale the relationship back or cut it off entirely, but proceed with diplomacy and caution. You'd do that anyway if you'd met Vic some other way than in cyberspace, wouldn't you?

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

It is quite possible that,as you say, Vic is just a lonely man with unsophisticated social skills who wants to take what he feels is a successful love connection to another level. On the other hand, not a day goes by where we don't hear stories about people who get more than they bargained for, and end up in "hot water" with someone they "met on the net." It is hard enough to be a good judge of character when you don't know someone very well, but when you're not face-to-face and have never met in person, it gets even harder to know what you're really dealing with.

If Vic has been truthful about his circumstances and his motivation in communicating with you, the chances are good that you probably do have some important things in common (E.g. single parents getting over grief and getting on with their lives). These similarities might make Vic feel extra close to you. Even in a face-to-face relationship, getting to know someone takes time. I don't think (in most cases) that super-erotic or demanding feelings are appropriate or healthy after such a short period of time. That being said, there comes a time in every relationship where one or both of the parties decides it's time to take the relationship to a higher level. Vic may just be a "seize the moment" kind of a guy, ready to barge ahead with a new love. But regardless of Vic's honesty or his personal feelings, you are never obligated to take any relationship further than you'd like it to go. If you and Vic had been dating in-person and he started to press for more of a commitment, this would be the time that you would have to assess how you both feel about the relationship, move ahead, keep the relationship where it is, or (possibly) break up. An Internet relationship is no different except that you don't have the advantage of knowing as much about the other person, or his/her true motives. If you are worried about whether Vic could become a potential "fatal attraction," follow your instincts, and back away slowly. In real life, if someone was uncomfortably pressuring you, you would know that if you didn't want to reciprocate and didn't make those feelings clear, that you would end up in a situation you would regret. It's not any different here, on the Internet. Write to him (I would not call because that puts you in a situation where he can argue with you and engage you further in a personal way). You must let Vic know in very clear terms that while you have enjoying talking to him, that is all you want--you are not interested in meeting him or taking this cyber-relationship to another level. To be safe, DON'T spend time arguing with him about it, and DON'T give him any personal information by which he could track you down.

I think the Internet is a fun way to connect with others around the world, but you have to use the same common sense that you'd use in any other type of relationship. Advice Sister Jessica disagrees with me, I know, but I still think the Net is not all that tested and safe. If you want to make connections on the net, it is best to do so through a reputable Internet dating service (ie: American Singles) and to be VERY cautious. There are still very real safety concerns!

***note: our book RECRUITING LOVE: Using The Business Skills You Have To Find The Love You Want (Cyclone Books, 1998) has a great section on new ways to meet people, including personal ads and the Internet. Be sure to check it out. You can get RECRUITING LOVE online a www.amazon.com or www.barnesandnoble.com, by clicking on "The Advice Sisters At Amazon Books" to the left of this column, or by asking for it in your favorite bookstore.