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THE
ADVICE SISTERS® SIGNATURE
"DOUBLE TAKE" Q&A
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SHOULD
WE MOVE IN TOGETHER?
Patrice writes... |
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Dear
Advice Sisters: Dennis and I have been going "steady"
for nearly a year. My lease is coming due and Dennis asked me to
move in with him. I know our relationship is "serious"
but I am not sure what kind of commitment Dennis ultimately wants
to make. He's just a year out of a painful divorce and has said
from time to time that he's not sure if he ever wants to marry again.
My friends are saying "go for it-move in and he will find he
can't live without you and marry you" but I'm not sure. I'm
afraid that if I move in there's no incentive for him to commit.
Advice Sisters, I would love to live with him..and it would cut
down on expenses...but if I do move in, do you think he will he
still marry me?"
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JESSICA'S
TAKE: I guess I will have to call Advice Sister Alison "old fashioned" because it's nearly the new millennium-and no one thinks twice about couples living together who aren't married. While I agree that a "roommate" isn't a husband, I have to say that for many reasons, couples who DO have strong relationships but have CHOSEN not to get married live together as a lot more than just "roommates." The old saw about "why buy the cow if you already have the milk?" doesn't fly with me. I think that commitment has little to do with "holding out" these days..most couples DO have a sexual relationship before they tie the knot. I also believe that living together can be a great prelude to marriage when you are not "quite sure" you are compatible or if the time isn't right financially or for other reasons but a couple wants to be together or because they don't WANT to make the commitment of marriage (there ARE legitimate other kinds of commitment!). We know of a woman who "chose" to live with her boyfriend even though he was DYING to marry her because he had just gone through an awful divorce and she KNEW he wasn't ready to be a husband again...even though she was besotted with him. After a year of living with him, she had learned all his bad habits and decided to ‘bail." Marriage is a commitment you need a legal proceeding to undo...but living with someone before you get married does not: you can learn what you are dealing with and what you are getting yourself into, and get "out" if necessary. The only reason I can
see NOT to move in is if you want marriage and nothing else will
do. As Advice Sister Alison says, making yourself "indispensable"
probably won't work. If he doesn't want marriage and you move in
hoping he will change his mind, you are more likely than not doomed
to serious disappointment when, after living with him, he still
won't "commit." Living together is a reasonable and legitimate
relationship choice...but not as a substitute for what you really
want if that is a ring on your finger. |
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ALISON'S
TAKE:
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