JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

It's always hard to tell someone you are not interested in them romantically. No matter how you put it, it still comes out stinking of rejection. If you date someone and know for sure you don't want to date them again, you really would be unkind to let them keep "hoping." In this case, however, Robert has been close to you and knows you quite well. More likely that not, Robert wanted it to "work" just as you did but like you, knows it will NOT (from what you said about how the date went, either of you would have had to be blind not to see that you are not "love material" for each other!) You talked about how close you can be with each other, so why hide your feelings now? When you next speak to Robert, tell him that you want to share your feelings with him about "the other night," and reinforce how much his friendship always has and still does mean to you. Remind him of all the good times you have had together because you are friends, and express your true desire to keep those good times coming. Then tell the truth about how you feel about the date. Don't attack him or his social skills or dwell on what a "disappointment" it was to you that you and he don't have "love" chemistry--keep focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship. If Robert breathes a sigh of relief and says: "Wow, I'm so glad you told me! I was feeling kinda strange about the date, too," Congratulations! You've saved your friendship as you wanted! However, if Robert really wants to "keep trying" with you and you are absolutely sure that you do NOT want to risk another date and hurt your friendship even further, I think you have no choice but to tell him that you value his friendship too much to risk it. He may be hurt or defensive, but if he's as great a guy (and as good a friend) as you say he is, he will find a way to understand and keep "what's good" between you, intact. If he can't find a way to work through his feelings about your not wanting to date him, maybe the friendship wasn't as solid as you thought. Give him time to sort out his feelings. If he doesn't "come around" you have no alternative but to cut him loose and let him go. This will hurt you, too, but again, if YOU are a good friend to Robert, you have to respect his feelings too and let him go his own way.

It is terribly sad to see a long-term friendship die, and with luck, this won't happen to you and Robert. Whatever happens, you're both best off to face your feelings honestly, and not hide from them. Avoiding the issue, and each other, will send your friendship back into the shadows, maybe permanently.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

Personally, I'd never risk a friendship for any reason, and would probably refuse to get involved with a dear friend in a dating situation unless I was very confident that I had more than just a passing interest..and that the friendship was strong enough to survive the strain if things didn't go exactly as planned.

People change and situations change. Perhaps you assumed that Robert would be exactly as he was in college, although you hadn't seen each other in many years. You may not feel "romantic" towards Robert the way that you think he does towards you, but does Robert REALLY want romance? Perhaps you are reading more into the way you think Robert feels than how he realy IS. Robert is single and adjusting to life alone in town..he may just be happy to have a trusted friend to be close to during this difficult time. The happiness and warm feelings you are picking up on may not be romance at all!

Until you ask Robert what he is thinking and what he wants, you won't know for sure just what the real situation is. I agree with Advice Sister Jessica that honestly is the best policy, especially with a trusted friend. If you really are friends, you might just come right out and ask him what he wants. If not, you might ease into the conversation by letting him know that you're glad he's back in town and in your life as a friend....then ask him what he thought about your "date." Hopefully he will say "I think I've come to realize that although I love you dearly as a friend, I felt really strange going out as a couple and I don't want to risk the special thing we have together." If he indicates that he wants romance, you will have to let him know that your goals aren't the same. The longer you wait the harder it will be to tell him the truth. At least he will know that you value your relationship with him and respect him enough to preserve the good thing that the two of you do have.

Just because Robert came back into town and into your life doesn't mean that either of you can turn an essentially solid friendship into something else. If you don't feel "rockets for Robert" remember this....romantic flings come and go, but a great friendship can last forever!