JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Unlike Alison, I do not believe what the family and friends are doing is "cruel". Misguided might be a better word. I believe they do this because there is a perception that a "time comes" for a man or woman to marry and if at that time the man or woman does not, either: 1) the perception is that the opportunity will have passed (in the United States, for example, we often hear people say, "It gets harder to meet anyone once you are out of college") or 2) it will be perceived by others that there is something "wrong" with the man or woman who does not marry by a certain age.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth! At all ages and whatever a person is doing in life at any time, there are other people to meet, become friends with, and marry if one chooses to do so. In our book, RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT (Cyclone Books, l998), we point out over and over again that anyone at any age and any place can find true and lasting love--and marriage, if that is their goal. But you do have to know what you really want, what you have to offer, and where to find it.

In my view, it is wrong for these "well-meaning" friends and family to push a person towards marriage. As you have said, it is a personal decision and an important one. If you are not ready, you should not make such a commitment, even if it would "please" your friends or family members. If the time never seems "right" for marriage, chances are you should not marry.

You asked when was the right time for someone to marry? There is no answer of a "right time" because that decision is based on circumstance, desire for such a relationship, and personal factors that transcend a timeframe. And, you should not marry at all if you are not prepared to make the commitment to one person that marriage entails.

It has been said that those who marry before the age of twenty prolong ties to immediate family and friends that impede them from becoming independent individuals. In some families however (and yours may be one of them) , when a person marries, he or she marries not just a "person" but a "family" as well. A couple who marries is expected to strike out on their own and create a new unit...in other cultures, that "new" couple becomes more a part of an existing, extended family unit. If your family believes in this extended family unit, you may feel more pressure to marry.

I believe it is extremely important to be true to yourself and follow your own path, relying on what your heart and head tell you is right. While it is a virtue to want to please family and friends, it is wrong to do so at the cost of one's own common sense. If you know (and apparently you do) that marriage would be "wrong" at this time, you would be doing wrong to please family and friends by getting married. Ruining your own life would be bad enough, but also ruining the lives of others, which you would undoubtedly do if the marriage did not work out, would be completely unacceptable and selfish.

Marriage is a wonderful institution for those who want it, but I also think that there are many other kinds of relationships which may be "enough" for modern men and women that are no "less good" than marriage...just different.

When, and if, you are ready to enter into marriage, the time you have taken to sort out in your own mind what you want, what you have to offer and what you are prepared to bring to a marriage will serve you well and help you make good choices. In my view, remaining single is an acceptable option for any man or woman who knows he or she does not want the kind of monogamy and hard work that a good, long-lasting marriage necessarily entails.

In our new book, RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT we say that in order to find satisfying, lasting love, you need to really know what your goal is in wishing for love. If you are reading this column and are happily single, you have a wonderful opportunity to use this time in your life to get a very clear idea of what you might want in a wife. If and when you do choose to marry, you will have a much better chance of making a good choice than if you'd bowed to outside pressure and gotten married in haste or without serious consideration of your partner-to-be.

Whether you use our Recruiting Love plan or not, taking the time and making the effort to know what you really want and find someone who has those qualities (both inside and out) will help you feel confident that you can and will make a good choice in the future. We highly recommend reading this book if you are single and still figuring out your relationship goals, if you are a parent wishing to help a son or daughter make a wise choice in love, or as a gift for single friends, colleagues, and family members, if you want them to make lasting, loving, successful relationships.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

I do not understand why loving parents, friends, and colleagues feel compelled to pressure single people into getting married instead of them make their own choices in their own time. Unfortunately, THE ADVICE SISTERS have heard so many stories just like yours where the pressure from others makes an otherwise happy and successful single person frantic to pair up whether they are ready or not.

I am assuming that your family and friends are mostly part of couples who somehow feel that the institution of matrimony is so blissful and important that you must share their bliss and, like them, get married. However, as you pointed out in your letter, you are in touch with your feelings and are satisfied with your solo status right now. You are also very wise to realize that getting married is a very important step, and not one that should be entered into lightly or for insufficient reasons. You have also realized that apart from arranged marriages, love-match marriages cannot be quickly forced. You must take time to get to know someone if you want to make a good choice and a happy match. The Advice Sisters do know of some marriages made in haste that are successful, but why would you want to risk marrying in haste with an emotional and legal union that will impact the rest of your life?

You ask when is the best time to get married, but I think this is so highly personal that there isn't one real answer. The wrong time would be when you are marrying just to please someone else, but not yourself! You are the driving force in your own life. When you lose control or give up that responsibility to someone else, disaster is sure to follow! Many normal, intelligent, attractive, successful men and women choose never to marry. In western cultures, the age at which men and women marry has been rising every decade. While most American men and women still choose to marry in the mid to late 20's, or 30's because they would like to raise a family, an increasing number of singles are voluntarily delaying marriage until their 40's and beyond. You may be one of these singles who wants to wait a while longer before establishing a permanent relationship Be true to your inner voice which will let you know IF and WHEN the time is right for you to marry. It is far more destructive and selfish to marry because your family expects it, than to resist their demands. How could you be a kind and upstanding man if you brought a wife and children reluctantly into your life just to present your parents with grandchildren or to make your friends happy?

I may alarm some people reading this column, but while I feel that most people's lives are enhanced with a spouse, I do not believe that everyone is meant to be married or have children. The men and women who tell THE ADVICE SISTERS that they are most desperate to get married, usually turn out to be the ones feeling the most pressure from friends and family. These single men and women may indeed marry out of "obligation," but they are using innocent people and often end up realizing their worst fears by ending up with unsuitable partners, and unhappy children who suffer the consequences. Any parent, friend, or family member who pushes you to do something that you are not ready to do, or don't feel willing to do in your heart, can not be honestly thinking of your well being. Resist the pressure and remind them of the serious consequences of their coercion. In time, you may find a wonderful woman and marry her, but those who really care about you will allow you to make your own choices and be happy for you in whatever lifestyle you choose as long as you are happy with it, too.

*note: our book, RECRUITING LOVE has many good ideas about handling friends and family members when it comes to your relationships. Be sure to check them out!

** If you are also a man or women who is feeling pressure to get married, or is being pushed by someone to move a relationship forward before you are ready, WE CAN HELP!!! Please write to us on our interactive board ADVICE FOR INTELLIGENT SINGLES!