JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Ohhh....This Advice Sister can feel your pain right through cyberspace! Pay attention to your upset feelings...they signal that something is very wrong and you need to take yourself in hand. It does not seem likely that you are going to make much headway with Irv: you have already indicated that the harder you push, the more he backs away. It is, I am sorry to say, up to you to end the pattern you have comfortably fallen into with him. If you manage to break the cycle of "pursue and run" maybe Irv, even though still terrified, will find that there is a part of him that wants the intimacy and commitment you desperately want. The Advice Sisters agree that mind games and "hard to get" games are phony, manipulative and "high school" and you should not play them. We do think, however, that you might try self-affirmations to make yourself FEEL in control and strong even if you are not completely so. If you "affirm" that you are courageous, strong and in charge, you will act that way...and by acting that way you will BE that way (start to believe it). . As it stands, it appears that you have little to lose by breaking your old pattern with Irv and trying something new. Sure, you might lose Irv, but you haven't really "got" him anyway, from what you way. If you view Irv and your relationship in another light YOU may see possibilities you hadn't considered before. You may even decide that Irv is NOT the one for you after all.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

You've invested nearly a year in this relationship and if there's one thing you already know, it's that Irv isn't hearing the wedding bell you are! If your biological clock is ticking and your personal goals can't be met with this relationship, this is non-negotiable. As Advice Sister Jessica suggested, Irv may be enthusiastic about being with you as long as you don't rock the relationship boat, but the satisfaction level in this relationship is lopsided. If you want marriage and a family and Irv won't even talk about it, tell yourself that this chasing Irv around has got to stop...now!

A cruel fact of life is that sometimes, no matter how much you wish it wasn't true, the reality is what it is. You were smart to give yourself a deadline to ditch Irv if he won't move forward. Use the time you have as the deadline approaches to let Irv know that as much as you love him, you aren't going to stay in relationship limbo! Instead of feeling bad about having to move forward if Irv can't come around, starting now, spend your time and energy on your own life and your own interests. First, focus on getting it together at work–you need to keep your job, don't you? Spend time with your friends, join a new club or activity, do some things just to make yourself feel beautiful and strong . Soon you'll find that you are so busy with other things in your life that you are naturally spending more of your time without Irv...and it won't be manipulative, either! That's not to say that you need to do a total disappearing act or act nasty to Irv....be your loving self...but don't resort to chasing him or pressuring him in any way.

Perhaps, if you give Irv some "breathing room" and he realizes that your entire life is not centered on a future with him, he'll start to realize that he won't get "trapped" by a clinging woman if he shows his commitment to you. On the other hand, he might also realize that he prefers being alone. Whatever, you have to prepare yourself for his answer.

You have made it clear that marriage and a family is your goal. You have set a deadline. If you try things the ADVICE SISTERS' way, no matter what happens you will at least have the strength of your job, the love of your friends , the joy of your other interests, and little personal inner peace. This is the most important thing when you are faced with emotions and stress that seem overwhelming, as they do now. You will be in a better position to move forward and feel good about your future...whatever that turns out to be.