JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Dear Suffering: You are right in that no parent should ever tell a child, in anger or for any other reason, that s/he wishes the child had never been born. Nor should a parent yell for no reason, neglect a child or do other kinds of psychological damage which you know too well can scar a person indelibly. However, having said this, you grew up in a household, sad for you as it may have been, with an ill parent. Depression is an illness. Had your mother been able to ?choose? her behavior towards you and your brother, I can guarantee you, it would not have been with the lack of interest or enthusiasm for the two of you that she actually manifested. Depression saps a person of an ability to feel...anything. A depressed person not on medication may find it impossible even to get out of chair, let alone cope with the demands of young children. Though it may have hurt you, it is not what she intended. I gather that your mother has sought treatment, and I wonder why she is not doing better.....modern medicines can not cure depression but can greatly alleviate its symptoms, and a person can live a normal, happy life. If your mother is not in treatment, one kind thing you can do for her (and also for yourself and the rest of your family) is to get her to a therapist who can evaluate her situation today. If she takes medication and still is depressed, maybe a different treatment would improve her condition, and thus, her relationship with the members of her family and everyone else around.

The way I see it from what you have said, if you want to have a relationship with your mother, you are going to have to accept that it will never be the ?Ozzie and Harriet? type of perfect family relationship that we all want, but actually, few of us ever have. Your mother will have her good days and bad, and if you want to be around her, you are going to have to decide if you can cope with the moods swings and the ups and downs of her ?niceness? and ?nastiness.? As for allowing your mother to get close to you or confide in you, again, this is your choice. If you feel you can not have or don?t wish to have this kind of intimate relationship with your Mom at this late date, discourage it. If she calls and yells, tell her kindly but firmly that you are going to hang up now and will speak to her another time. There is no need for you to ever take abuse even in the name of daughterhood!

Your dad, your husband, your mother-in-law and your friends know your mother and they know you. It is understandable why you might think that you are ?your mom? when you get angry or upset, but it sounds more like you are just having the same kind of natural reactions we all have when we get angry or upset. It does not mean that you are depressed. You sound like a basically happy and well-adjusted person who had an unhappy childhood. Get the counseling: there is no reason the unhappiness should continue throughout what remains of your adult life.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

It must have been hard growing up pretty much by yourself and taking care of your little brother. Anyone who has ever had a parent incapacitated by addition or mental illness knows how great it is when ?mom? is doing well, and how horrible things are at home when things go downhill. Life isn?t fair, and it doesn?t seem right that you were deprived of a mother who could focus on you during your formative years. You feel cheated out of her presence and participation at all those special life events that meant so much to you. Counseling will help you sort out your feelings, but it won?t change your mother...only the way you deal with her!

I?m assuming your mother is under a doctor?s care. If her current condition is the best her doctor (and modern medicine) can do for her, you?ll have to accept that. If you want and need her in your life, learn how to enjoy the good times when they happen, and accept the bad times as part of who she is. If the ups and down with your mother are too unbearable for you, rely on other support systems....don?t count on Mom. Accept who and what she is, or it might be kinder for you to distance yourself as you did when you were younger. You are a grown woman now and while having your mother?s love and acceptance is still important, it isn?t likely to ever be the anchor in your life. You, however, are now an adult (by your own admission). You have a husband and you have friends.

I?m wondering, where?s your Dad in all this? Was he there for you when Mom was unavailable? Can you talk to him about how you feel, perhaps get some ideas on how to handle Mom when she?s having a bad time? Despite feeling that you are sometimes like your mother, you are not her. I can?t think of a single woman who hasn?t stopped at least once, and thought ?OmiGod, I?m acting just like my mother!? Relax, what you need most, in my opinion, is some coping skills (that?s what the counseling is for) to help you separate yourself from the anger and disappointment you faced at her hands while you were growing up and even now, today.

What about getting close to her again? Her comment that she wished you had never been born is probably just as she said: something she spouted on a ?bad day? when you happened to unluckily have been within earshot. Her advice to just forgive and forget it is probably good advice, though difficult for you to take. On the other hand, from all accounts the two of you never were close. If you want to make a relationship with her now, it will have to be a much different one than the one you might have had as mother/daughter years ago. I wouldn?t try that until you get that counseling, and work out your own feelings about your childhood, your mother, and her role in your life now. If you rush in, you?ll continue to get hurt.