JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

I'm going to have to disagree with ADVICE SISTER ALISON here. It's possible you are reading too much into things, but I don't think so. This "wanting to talk to you about something"....then not wanting to...and then being evasive and blowing so hot and cold....well, it just means that something is up. And of course, because you don't know the truth of the situation, you are thinking the worst! Maybe it is bad news: he could have some serious illness or maybe he's got another woman in his life. Maybe he isn't ready to settle down just yet and wants to see others...maybe he wants to break up. Then again, it might not be bad perhaps he's thinking about moving to your town to be closer to you and wants to feel you out about it–or maybe he is even trying to find the right time and place to pop the question! The thing is, you have no way of knowing because he refuses to tell you what's on his mind.

From what you've told us, you really haven't been with Richard very long (only five months) and you only spend some weekends together. As Advice Sister Alison pointed out, it takes time--sometimes a lot of time-- for some people to feel comfortable opening up to someone else about feelings and other important subjects. Perhaps your boyfriend just isn't at that stage yet where he feels ready to completely trust you with his private thoughts and emotions.

The Advice Sisters believe in open communication in relationships. When something feels wrong, it's important to get to the bottom of it. Consider telling Richard straight out that you've been upset with the "I have a secret and I'm not telling YOU" game he's been playing–for whatever reason. Tell him you wish he'd open up more; ask what you can do to help him trust and feel comfortable talking to you (especially since you aren't together as much as you'd like). If Richard denies that there is a communication problem and refuses to "talk about it" you have to ask yourself ‘why,' and decide if one-sided communication is okay with you. However, remember that if you ask for the truth, you must be prepared to hear it. Regardless, clearing the air can help reduce your stress level and get your relationship back on a more even track. I hope that whatever Richard hasn't told you turns out to either be something wonderful or something minor...but whatever it is, if you don't take a stand and stop the game-playing, you'd better be prepared to have to play the "I've got a secret" game again and again.

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

It's very hard for some people to open up. Communicating their feelings makes them feel very vulnerable. Men, especially, have a hard time "sharing." For example, the simple "how was your day?"question sends some men into a panic. They don't want to talk about their day...they just want to enjoy relaxing, quietly. They want you to be close, but they're never going to be chatterboxes!

So, perhaps your boyfriend is just not the open, talkative type. If so, you're going to find it hard to draw someone like this out of his shell – especially when you don't live close by and the relationship is still quite new. It could be that the reason he's telling you he wants to talk to you and then refusing to do it is that you have just weekends together. He might really want to have a heart-to-heart but is afraid that he will be burdening you with his problems when your time together should be fun and carefree. Perhaps too, this death in the family has been very hard for him. There are probably other things going on in his life that are stressing him. He may not feel like discussing a controversial subject with you right now because it might upset the relationship and he doesn't want to handle any more stress at the moment.

I wouldn't push the matter right now. Wait until you see him again. If he still is uncommunicative and refuses to tell you what's going on with his life, it's time to tell him you feel uncomfortable being shut out. Keep in mind that in adult relationships, the lasting ones are those in which the balance of control is comfortable for both parts of the couple. What matters right now is that you are obviously not comfortable with the balance of power in this relationship. Tell him you need to know what's going on right now...no more stalling!.